I am losing to myself.

Frustrated and Depressed.

I have been pretty frustrated with myself, to a point that it has made me feel depressed. It was extended to my daily 2hr challenge. The challenge has become a chore, everyday I’m just doing it without much meaning or purpose. The challenge was suppose for me to renew my determination, progress and create value along my life journey. I understand what conviction means to me, believing that whatever obstacles that comes in my way, I’ll be able to overcome them. But this “conviction” has a new twist to it, now it has become more of being complacent and giving me reasons to begrudge my life. For example, I had a report due last Thursday, 15 May. I only started thinking about it and wrote down the points I’m going to write on Monday. Instead of working harder to make up the time I’ve lost, time and time again I’ve give in to my stupid reasons. I also didn’t make time to attend discussion meeting this week, as I’ve used working on my report as an excuse for myself. What could be worst? The worst part is that I didn’t manage to make much progress despite having more time, if I was to go for discussion meetings, I would think there would be no difference on the progress for the report. And my everyday challenge become more of a time-passer, during my time chanting, I was so distracted that I kept flipping lecture notes to look for ideas to include in the report and the continues tracking of time displayed on my watch. I believed that my life state is super low despite that I have chanted 2hr daily. This clearly states that quantity doesn’t matter.

To add on to my failure and how disgusted I was with myself; Yesterday, I was working my Database Assignment on a Travel Net website, which requires me to program the site using ASP language. I was in school with my partner, James; we worked on the messaging portion of the website. We managed to finish and he continued to urge me to go on to the other parts of the website as he felt that we can do more to help the other group members, rather than leaving those parts untouched. I responded by looking on another part and stayed on, but in my heart, I know I’ve lost my interest to work on them. For the next 3 hrs, I’ve made little progress and I gave in to my nonsense of “I’m tired”, “I’m hungry”, and “I’m having a bad headache”. I left school at 9 plus, leaving James still working on the design of the website. The only thing I felt better about leaving was that I’ve finished that additional part before I left.

I don’t know where to start in tidying my life? I kept losing sight of myself, and losing in my daily life. I have come to a point, today, that I feel that I’m so weak. I kept giving myself reasons to accept my under-performing work. All this have to STOP!

During my 2hr of chanting, I’ve directed all my frustration and anger through every word I’ve chanted to the Gohonzon. In the process, images and thoughts of conversations and things I’ve learnt surfaced. I’m not showing actual proof in my life. I’ve lost my hunger, which Tong has termed it as “fire in your belly”. I’ve become a person who accepts 2nd grade result and effort. BUT is this what I should be having?

I want to be re-determined of my human revolution, I must put all the theory I’ve learnt and put them into daily practise. From today on, I must progress and strive not for the sky but the universe. I must not limit my capacity and expand to my fullest potential.

The purpose of this post is to remind myself of the promise I’ve made and should never compromise and begrudge life again.

To all who are struggling: Pls re-determined and progress in the journey of creating a better you.

“What we should compare is not ourselves against others. We should compare who we are today against whom we are yesterday, who we are today against whom we will be tomorrow. While this may seem simple and obvious, true happiness is found in a life of constant advancement. And the same worries that could have made us miserable can actually be a source of growth when we approach them with courage and wisdom.”